


What. Is. That. Noise.

by NoahRose27



Series: August Photo Challenge [18]
Category: Schitt's Creek
Genre: A group of mice is a mischief, David's Sweaters, Home Improvement, M/M, Patrick is a troll, Squirrels, the cottage
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-18
Updated: 2020-08-18
Packaged: 2021-03-06 06:54:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,500
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25965433
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NoahRose27/pseuds/NoahRose27
Summary: David hears some noise one morning while in the Cottage alone. He fears he must move out.
Relationships: Patrick Brewer/David Rose
Series: August Photo Challenge [18]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1882732
Comments: 6
Kudos: 37





	What. Is. That. Noise.

**Author's Note:**

> Photo challenge - Something annoying.
> 
> Is this slightly based on personal experience? Perhaps. Do we have 37 trees in our backyard? Maybe. Do thousand of red squirrels live in our neighborhood? Absolutely.

Patrick and David moved into the Cottage on a Monday. David almost moved out on a Friday.

Patrick had left to open the store like normal and David sauntered out of bed around 9:07 am which should have given him just enough time to get ready and be at the store around 10:11 am which was “safely late” in his book. He had showered, performed his facial care regiment and pulled on his sweater du jour and made his way to the kitchen when he heard it for the first time.

“ _Scratch scratch pitter patter scamper scamper.._.”

David froze. He slowly turned around looking at the floor willing his worst nightmare NOT to come true. He heard the noise again... similar to something scraping... was it the floor? He couldn’t quite place it.

David stood very still. The third time he heard the noise he realized it was in the walls. THE WALLS. He grabbed his bag and ran outside and walked as quick as he could to the store.

As David flung open the front door to the store, Patrick turned and his smile brightened up, “Good Morning Sunshine!” As he walked over to give David a kiss, he saw the look of panic on his face. “What’s going on? You look really upset. I didn’t change any displays today!”

“PATRICK. WE HAVE TO MOVE THE HOUSE IS OVERRUN WITH CREATURES THEY ARE LIVING IN OUR WALLS!”

“What!? What are you talking about, David?”

David explained what he heard that morning. “I guess we should close the store for the day and you can call the movers while I call Stevie to see if there’s a room available at the motel before we call Ray to check in on your old apartment. I mean, it didn’t have great closet space, but I can maybe get the Love Room again and we’ll make it work. Isn’t there something in our housing contract to protect us against animals also cohabiting in our space? Or do we just lose all our money?” David spilled out all at once.

Patrick listened intently and his eyes got wider before he reached over and grabbed David’s shoulders. “Babe, we aren’t moving. I know that this is scary for you, but let’s figure out what’s going on and then we can decide what to do.”

“Patrick. Michael. Brewer. If you think I’m going to live ANYWHERE that is infested with ANY creature, I misjudged how well you know me. And not even to mention my knits! Do you know what a pack of wild mice could do to my knits!” yelled David as his voice continued to go up in octaves.

“David. David! Do you want me to go home and see if I can figure this out now? Can you handle the store on your own? I promise that if I can’t solve this, you don’t have to sleep there tonight. And also, it isn’t a ‘pack of mice’, they’re called a mischief.”

The look David gave Patrick would have killed 10 mischiefs of mice instantly. “Fine. But before you leave, I will be headed to the Cafe to get my coffee. And perhaps a pastry. And while I’m gone, you’ll need to plan a swift exit of my sweaters. So help me....”

Patrick kissed David firmly on the mouth to quiet him, turned him around and said “Go get your coffee” as he swatted him on the ass.

David glared at Patrick, but left the store and headed to the Cafe.

🐭🐭🐭

Patrick arrived back at the Cottage and went into the house. He sat around for a few minutes in the kitchen to try and listen for any noises. Of course, none came. He started to tap on the walls to see if anything would move. Nothing.

He looked around the baseboards for holes. Nothing. He searched for mice droppings. Nothing.

He decided to go outside and look around. He found the wall of the house where the kitchen area would be and began to look around, getting down on his hands and knees. Nothing. No holes, nothing out of the ordinary.

So, Patrick faced his worst fear and called Ronnie.

“Brewer. What do you want? I told you I’d come bid for your renovation next week,” she greeted him before he could say a word.

“Hey, Ronnie. No, no, nothing about that right now. We’re very excited to have you over. Um, I had another question. Have you or do you deal with any type of pests or mice?”

Ronnie cackled. “Of course! David must be freaking out. I can’t come out today, but what’s going on?”

“David said that he heard some scratching in the kitchen walls this morning. Almost like something was running around. I came home and of course, it isn’t moving right now. I looked all around inside and outside and didn’t see holes or any droppings. What do you think?”

“Well, you may not see any holes. Some of these animals can get into a hole the size of a dime and it’s hard to spot. No droppings inside is a good thing. Don’t you have a lot of trees? Are there any squirrels around?”

“Yeah, lots of trees and I guess now that you mention it, we do have some red squirrels.”

“Bingo. I’d put my money that you have a red squirrel living in that wall. They chew through ANYTHING. You’ll want to find the entry point outside. Block it up with some newspaper and steel wool. If it gets knocked out, you know it’s left and you can board it up.”

“Great, thanks Ronnie. I appreciate it. We’re excited about….”

She hung up.

🐿🐿🐿

David closed up the store, but not before texting Patrick to ask about his plan of action.

_\- Come home, David. It’s fine._

_\- Did you get rid of the nasty vermin? Or will I be attacked?_

_\- David. I talked to Ronnie. We don’t think it’s a mouse issue._

\- 😂 _That must have been fun. How is your bestie?_

_\- See you soon!_

David arrived at the house to find Patrick lounging on a chair about 20 feet from the wall staring with a beer cracked open.

“Patrick. What are you doing? Drinking a beer just lounging? First, you look like a lunatic staring at that wall. Second, I don’t see how this is helping unless you have some vision thing where you can see through walls.”

“Hey Babe! Welcome home. I grabbed you a chair, come sit. While I don’t have X-Ray vision, I am watching to see if the SQUIRREL that’s living in our wall comes out.”

David stood frozen with sheer terror on his face. “The. What? This is so much worse.”

Patrick explained the situation to David. He walked him through what he’d done, the conversation with Ronnie and then his actions. “So, I’m just waiting to see if it comes out and then I can board it up. Ronnie said that if it doesn’t come out in a couple of hours, it already out and we just need to block it from getting back in. It took me an hour just to find the hole. That thing sure is crafty.”

“Well, I appreciate all of the things you did to earn your Boy Scout merit badge in Squirrels today. But are we sure this will work and we can sleep here?”

Patrick grabbed David’s wrist and pulled him down in his lap. “Yes, it’ll be okay. And if for some reason the squirrel gets into the house, I’ve already made him a nest of one of your sweaters that you least like … kind of like a sacrifice to save the others. I even put some nuts in it.”

David pressed the heels of his hands into his eye sockets and grimaced. “I know you are just teasing me, but I’m feeling very vulnerable right now. I don’t know how everyone thinks that _you_ are the nice one.”

“David, shhh. Don’t move. Look…”

Right then, a small red squirrel pushed through the newspaper and ran out of the hole. “Oh, FUCK. It looks rabid. Is it coming over here?”

“No, David, it ran away. Now’s our time.” Patrick proceeded to board up the hole and once David audited his work, they went inside for the night.

As they were falling asleep that night, David laid in bed with his eyes wide open staring at the ceiling. Patrick laid beside him curled up into David’s side. “Babe, I can hear you listening for the squirrel. It’s gone. You watched it leave.”

“Logically, I know that. But what if it had friends in there? What if there was a rave and that one squirrel decided to leave?”

Patrick slowly reached up and lightly scratched at David’s nose and making a little squeaky noise. “NO. NOPE. NOT TONIGHT SATAN,” David screamed.

Patrick started laughing, but pulled David into his arms. “David, you know I’ll always protect you, even from a scurry of squirrels.”


End file.
